My life is a mess. My house is a mess, I am a mess. Cancer is messing with my body. My thoughts mess with my mind.
Some days I just wanna wake up and like a Magic Eraser, have everything be perfect. A clean house, life, body, love. I do achieve these things on occasion, but then all the sudden things go horribly wrong. Like that little kid who spills grape juice all over the white carpet.
Like I was loving my new job, then all the sudden, they weren’t loving me, it seemed I just couldn’t do anything right. I truly do think cancer is messing with my mind and leaving me partially incapable of holding down a job and doing it well. I used to be able to do that, now why am I not able? My inability to function leaves me feeling messed up.
My checkbook is messy. For the life me I can’t figure out how to balance it, maintain a positive sum or even save a damn bloody dime. I used to rely on Nick to do that for me, and since he’s gone, so’s my account balance.
My lovelife is messy. I have a boyfriend. He’s messy too, from being a slob to being mercurial and unpredictable, he’s inextricably in love with me. I want out, he’s not the right person for me, in fact he often says that too me – we’re incompatible, we don’t communicate very well, our sex life sucks. How am I supposed to feel when he says things like this to me? He hates the fact that I can’t manage my finances; hey so don’t I, but like everything in my life, I just don’t seem capable of doing it. I want out but I can’t leave because I lost my job and lost the financial resources to be able to do so. I tried last year, ran into the same problem and crawled back to him begging for forgiveness and we tried to rebuild our relationship. For a while it worked, we cleaned up our messy details and things were better, tidier. But then, like anything swept under the rug, the messy issues started to poke out again and I don’t feel like I can take this new (same) messy pile any more.
I ran into an ex-boyfriend who’s got his own messy life to deal with and is grappling with major life decisions. Me too, I have to figure out what I need to do next and try to clean up my act. But what he doesn’t know is that I still love him, maybe not in the true, all-encompassing l-word way, but I care for him deeply and want to see him happy. Do I wish he’d see the good in me and want to take things to another level – sure. But like I said, I’m a mess, so why would he want to be involved with me? And now that I’ve written this, he’ll probably get out the can of Raid and aim toward me.
I still have cancer; it’s never going to go away. Right now it’s neat and tidy, all contained in one little spot, its previous invasions to my bones and lymph nodes seem to have been cleaned up thanks to the Scrubbing Bubbles of Adramycin. But I know, like everything in my life, it’ll return someday as a bigger mess.
All of these issues mess with my mind. What’s worse is that right now I am off my antidepressant because I ran out and my insurance company won’t let me have the dose my doctor wrote the scrip for and so it has to be appealed; but it’s moot now because I no longer have that insurance since I lost my job. What a freaking mess. Can I just have my drugs please?? I got new insurance through the healthcare marketplace at nearly $300 bucks a month; money I don’t really have, but I need the insurance more. I just hope my docs take it.
I have a cat who’s a mess. She old, blind and has stopped taking care of herself. I often feel like her. I’m lucky I can get out of bed, take a shower and get dressed these days. Makeup? Bra? Ha, why bother? She can’t seem to find the litter box anymore so she’s making a mess of the house which also adds to the mess of my relationship status. He’s getting awful tired of cleaning up cat pee. So am I. I need to let her go, it’s time, but it messes up my heart. I can’t bear to say goodbye to this sweet little soul who’s been by my side through a good part of my messy life. But it’s not fair of me to make her suffer either.
How does one clean up the messes life throws your way? In this case, Bounty’s not gonna work. Sure, get that Swiffer out and start sweeping up a little at a time, but don’t make sweeping changes all at once. You’ve got to start at the corners and work inward, til you get to the center of it all and finally pick up that pile of dirt. So, which corner do I start? Maybe I should start with what I can change, my attitude.
Where’s Mr. Clean when you need him?